Climbing out

"There is nothing I can do to make Him love me more. Nothing that I do will make Him close the door." I cling to these words sung in one of my favorite songs. No matter how much I whine and complain.. No matter how often I crawl into my "hole", curling up in the fetal position, blankets over my head, in the darkness... Jesus will ALWAYS be there with me. But just as He is always there, know that there is also an enemy here on this earth that is also searching and seeking to destroy you. Oh you can keep him at bay, you can fill your thoughts with the Word, and you should. But just as you get "comfortable", let your guard down even for a moment, he WILL take that opportunity to try to pull you down again. He remembers all your weaknesses and where you have stumbled in the past and Satan will use that against you. What never ceases to amaze me, confuse me, is how I fall for it over and over again. But I'm only human, right? And many times the enemy comes "dressed in sheeps clothing". He comes "masked" as something we think will make us happy. And I don't give him all the credit...Much of it is my own fault, cause I've been here before and I should know better. But as I try to draw closer to the Lord, I am realizing that sometimes God allows these dark times to continue because it isn't until we are totally broken and bruised that we finally surrender and that is when He can really show His splendor and grace. I don't like that part... But it's a true fact about us, we want run the show... Never wanting to surrender our will, we're so stupidly stubborn. The good news is, no, the GREAT news is, GOD IS ALWAYS right there waiting for us to accept His tender, merciful, life-giving love, His plan for us. So He waits patiently for us to "take the blankets off", to stand up and start climbing out of the pit. Today, I feel a little better than yesterday, a little more hope, a lot more faith, and I feel LOVED by HIM... which is what I crave most...Tomorrow Jesus will be there again, holding His hand out for me to take hold of, as I continue to climb.
Co

He's Faithful

Jesus is so tenderhearted and patient with me. I'm struck this morning with His never ending, everlasting love. No matter where I'm at in my head, my heart, He ALWAYS meets me there. Never pushing, never "beating" me up about my failings. Just quietly, gently, lovingly waiting. Waiting for me to start up the mountain with Him again. He holds me, tenderly rocking me, whispering His love song to me, like soft sweet mist falling on my face, slowly refreshing my thirst. He lifts me up and carries me when I can't walk another step. A constant in my life, when everything else around me is chaotic and changing, it's His love I can always rely on. He is Faithful, even when I'm not, even though i don't deserve it. Thank you Father, thank you so much. Today I'm standing up and putting one foot in front of the other. Tomorrow? well maybe I'll be back down on the ground, crawling... But its okay... You'll be right there beside me, FAITHFUL.

Co

Waiting

I haven't blogged in days. Not in a good place with God right now. Not that I love Him any less, but just that I'm wondering why He is making me wait.... Why do I have to wait so long to feel a man love me again? Why do I have to wait to be happily in love? Why do I make such a big deal of it in my head anyway? Why? Why? Why do I yearn for this so much? To where it consumes me... I know in my head that a man doesn't define me. I believe in my head that God has that perfect man somewhere for me. I know He has my best interests at heart... But then my heart says "why not now, God?" I've prayed, I've grown closer to Him, I've been doing all I should be doing, I think. So where is he? Where is my lover? Then there has been the thoughts and feelings about the man in my past... (not my ex). Still those feelings that he is, was, the one for me. And then those thoughts consume me too.... Those thoughts i know i should not have... Like Paul said, "I wrestle with myself" why do I do this over and over? I am a soul in anguish.... Am I a woman who is being rebellious refusing to give up my feelings for him? Am I a such a wretch for wanting him still? Maybe I am. But he made me happy... And though I know better, sometimes it feels like God has just left me here to my own devices, waiting. Not a good place. So be gentle on me my friends as you reply. I am just a woman bearing her tormented heart. Never claimed to be perfectly in His will... But always said i would be transparent and honest on here. So here I am.... Waiting.

Co