A poem in process

Heal my heart Lord
Rise up in me
Stitch it back up
Do surgery

What he did to my heart, Lord please, undo
Its shattered and desperate, to name just a few

Heal my heart Lord
Rise up in me
Stitch it back up
Do surgery

My heads bowed in shame
Weighed down by the guilt
Feeling unloved in the "game"
Once blooming, now wilt

Heal my heart Lord
Rise up in me
Stitch it back up
Do surgery

My eyes You will lift
My head You will raise
The pain that You sift
Sort out and find praise

Heal my heart Lord
Rise up in me
Stitch it back up
Do surgery

Never let me again
Buckle under to men
Refine my coal
Purging my soul
Of those tapes that still play
In my head, in the way

Heal my heart Lord
Rise up in me
Stitch it back up
Do surgery

Blissfull Words of Wisdom

"BURDENS~ I compare the troubles which we have to undergo in the course of a year to a great bundle of sticks, far too large for us to lift. But God does not require us to carry the whole at once. He mercifully unties the bundle, and gives us one stick, which we are to carry today, and then another, which we are to carry tomorrow, and so on. This we might easily manage, if we would only take the burden appointed each day; but we choose to increase our troubles by carrying yesterday's stick over again today, and by adding tomorrow's burden to our load, before we are required to bear it."~ John Newton

These words ring so true to me as to what I've been doing to myself, and as to how God's grace, love and mercy, wishes me to handle my worries, trials and circumstances that I have gone thru, am experiencing today, and what tomorrow may bring. The image of the bundled sticks, is such a great visual for me and of what I do... I may choose to re-carry some sticks, past troubles, guilt, unforgiveness, anger from things done to me, or I did to myself, in the past, or I choose to add some sticks to today's load by conjuring up future problems or scenarios in my head, that usually tend to be far worse than the actual outcome of the situation I'll be worrying about. Sometimes I choose to not pick up any sticks at all, and just sit there in my pile of sticks, with them painfully poking into me. Or my personal favorite, I choose to pick up the entire bundle of sticks all at once! Dwelling on the past, dreading today's load, and adding tons more to my arms, my
heart, by adding all of tomorrows sticks and imagining those "sticks" will be all dirtied and broken, like broken dreams of the past.
BUT FOR GOD... and this my friends, is the sentence that hit me the MOST... "God MERCIFULLY unties the bundle, and gives us first ONE stick, which we are to carry today, and then another, which we are to carry tomorrow, and so on."
Our Savoir, Our Redeemer, Jesus Christ, loves us so, He tenderly unties the tangled and frayed ropes we've wrapped around our lives, gently and methodically untangling and sorting out the broken, painfully sharp, sticks from the ones that, if planted and tended to, could re-root new life. And then He mercifully hands them to us, one at a time... And He will do this every single day for us. It's what I choose to carry or pick up, that is my responsibility.
Matthew 11:29-30 Take MY yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

Help me O Lord! One stick at a time Lord, one stick at a time.

Co

Just call me Hephzibah

Isa 62:4 No more will anyone call you Rejected, and your land will no more be called Ruined. You'll be called Hephzibah (My Delight), and your land Beulah (Married), Because GOD delights in you and your land will be like a wedding celebration.

I came across this scripture yesterday and once again was amazed and in awe of Gods attention to me... Just like He had it written there thousands of years ago, knowing one day liitle, insignificant, me was going to need to read these words. He knew that I was going to be struggling with these two issues... My home (my land) and wanting to be in a relationship again (married). He knew that I would be crying out to Him these last few weeks, or just sitting here, numb from the loneliness and rejection. And I realize, once again, that little, insignificant, me is not so "little and insignificant" AT ALL to GOD. Thank you Lord! Thank you so much for loving me... For always knowing just what I need to hear from You, exactly when I need to hear it. You are incredible and little ol' me.... Well to You, i'm pretty incredible too.

Love,
Co
Aka: Hephzipah
p.s. And maybe one day my name will be changed to Beulah.

Homesick

I miss my home so much right now. I'm HOMESICK. It's been 2 years since I moved out of my house, 2 years since I sold a lot of my stuff, packed up the memories and what I could fit into one room, and moved out to live in someone else's home. It's been very very difficult, very trying, and feeling so "displaced" to live in someone else's home. Surrounded by their life, their tastes, their collected moments. I have moved three times since leaving my home, and each place has come with it's blessings and it's trials. Trying to keep faith in my heart that God IS working behind the scenes to get me back into my home is THE most difficult thing to stay focused on, because waiting on the Lord to work everything to it's exact right point of entry into existence ALWAYS takes time. And we are so programmed for SPEED... NOT waiting. I just WANT to go home. I miss my kitchen, the way the sunlight came in the morning and caught the prism hanging in the window and made
rainbows dance all around. I miss my pink craft room. I miss sitting out in the back throwing the ball over and over for jazz and sitting out front waving at the neighbors that drove by. I miss my little nicknacks up on the green shelves above my wooden corner table and bench. Can you tell, I JUST MISS MY HOME. God teach me patience and trust in this time. Plus give me YOUR PEACE about my future, and the future
of my kids... That everything will go well for ALL of us.

Co

Today

Today is my jessica's 29th birthday. 29!! You know that ol' saying, "seems like only yesterday..." well, it doesn't. It feels like a lifetime ago that I gave birth to my daughter... Sometimes it seems like two lifetimes! Like a "different" life. And it was, a totally different life I lived back then. When I look back on some of the memories it makes me laugh out loud... Some make me cry... And some make me just sit in awesome wonder. When I think about all the amazing works of God's Hands... Giving birth, having a totally seperate individual human being come out of your body, is the MOST AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, WONDERFUL and sometimes painful, act that God created us to do. And then to entrust us to care for this little person, to teach them, train them, feed them, keep them safe and be responsible for their physical and emotional well-being for many years to come... That is one of the toughest things to do in this life, and one I'm sometimes not sure I did
so well... I mean I know I helped raise a daughter who is strong, confidant most of the time, definitly loving, most of the time, funny, smart, and I could go on and on.. But there are many times I know I screwed up. Times when I made her feel bad, times when I didn't put her first, so many times when I said the wrong thing, critisized her, yelled at her because I was mad at "him". Times I was so not the right "role-model" for her. Regretfully, you can't take any of those times back... I can only move forward. Sometimes I wonder why God entrusted us to raise kids when we are still "growing up" ourselves? When we arent even sure of ourselves, sometimes, and where we are going in life, and who we are in Christ at all. Now that she is an adult, with kids of her own, it is so hard to "right" any of the "wrongs" I did, I can only ask for forgivness I guess. And try to be there for her as she raises her own little individuals. And pray, I can do that. All in
all, so far, looking back, I feel in my heart that the good times, the times I was, and am, a good mom, far outweigh the bad. And seeing her raise her own kids, brings such joy to my heart. I pray God continues to teach me though and that I listen.
Lord help me to be a better mother, a better listener, a good encourager, the best example, I can be, always following after Your heart Jesus, to the best of my ability, showing the Love of Christ to my daughter and my family.
Happy Birthday Jessica! I hope you can forgive me for the times i have failed as a Mother, and i also hope and pray you will hold in your memories all the times when i didnt fail, more than the other times. I love you forever and always. Mom

Willingness

"A muscian is not recommended for playing long, but for playing well; it is obeying God willingly that is accepted; the Lord hates that which is forced, it is rather a tax than an offering. Cain served God grudgingly; he brought his sacrifice not his heart. Good duties must not be beaten out of us, as the waters came out the rock when Moses smote it with his rod; but must freely drop from us, as myrrh from the tree, honey from the comb. If a willing mind be wanting, there wants that flower which should perfume our obediance, and make it a sweet smelling savor unto God." ~T Watson
I read this today from this book I have, "Leaves of Gold". It got me thinking.. How much do I "force" myself to pray, or spend time reading the word out of "ritual" or habit, like my morning cup of coffee? How many times have I come to God in prayer as if it were a "magic" formula that if I do this, say these words, than God will do what I want Him too? I know there are many times I just pray, because that is what we do as Christians, we pray... Never thinking that it's how we come to Him, in what condition our heart is when we come to Him, that really matters. Some people pray, saying the same words over and over... Calling out His name with every other word that comes out of their mouth. Almost as a "robotic" prayer. Does God accept those prayers? I don't think He does... Because God knows our hearts always, He knows our deepest inward, and what we think are hidden, feelings and thoughts and actions. We can't fool Him into thinking we're holy, just
because we pray, or we go to church and worship. The bible says: Mat 15:8-9 "These people make a big show of saying the right thing, but their heart isn't in it. They act like they're worshiping me, but they don't mean it. They just use me as a cover for teaching whatever suits their fancy."
Psalm 51:16-17 says: "for You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it; You do not delight in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a BROKEN spirit, a broken and contrite heart- these oh God, You will not despise."
Coming to Him broken, powerless, weak to the point of total surrender, this is what God desires of us. And total REPENTANCE of our sins... Admitting to Him, and the one we sinned against, our sin... Asking for forgivness with a truly repentive, broken, heart. Then and only then will our prayers be as a sweet smelling aroma to Him. Dripping effortlessly from our broken, surrendered hearts. Not beaten out of us, not forced because we think that is what will get us blessings... But freely and utterly flowing from us because our desire is to bring that truly acceptable offering to Him. Maybe He wants us to search our hearts so deeply, so that we come face to face with our wicked hearts, those parts of us which we dont want to see or admit, and that which He already knows, not for His sake, but for ours.

Co