He's Faithful

Jesus is so tenderhearted and patient with me. I'm struck this morning with His never ending, everlasting love. No matter where I'm at in my head, my heart, He ALWAYS meets me there. Never pushing, never "beating" me up about my failings. Just quietly, gently, lovingly waiting. Waiting for me to start up the mountain with Him again. He holds me, tenderly rocking me, whispering His love song to me, like soft sweet mist falling on my face, slowly refreshing my thirst. He lifts me up and carries me when I can't walk another step. A constant in my life, when everything else around me is chaotic and changing, it's His love I can always rely on. He is Faithful, even when I'm not, even though i don't deserve it. Thank you Father, thank you so much. Today I'm standing up and putting one foot in front of the other. Tomorrow? well maybe I'll be back down on the ground, crawling... But its okay... You'll be right there beside me, FAITHFUL.

Co

Waiting

I haven't blogged in days. Not in a good place with God right now. Not that I love Him any less, but just that I'm wondering why He is making me wait.... Why do I have to wait so long to feel a man love me again? Why do I have to wait to be happily in love? Why do I make such a big deal of it in my head anyway? Why? Why? Why do I yearn for this so much? To where it consumes me... I know in my head that a man doesn't define me. I believe in my head that God has that perfect man somewhere for me. I know He has my best interests at heart... But then my heart says "why not now, God?" I've prayed, I've grown closer to Him, I've been doing all I should be doing, I think. So where is he? Where is my lover? Then there has been the thoughts and feelings about the man in my past... (not my ex). Still those feelings that he is, was, the one for me. And then those thoughts consume me too.... Those thoughts i know i should not have... Like Paul said, "I wrestle with myself" why do I do this over and over? I am a soul in anguish.... Am I a woman who is being rebellious refusing to give up my feelings for him? Am I a such a wretch for wanting him still? Maybe I am. But he made me happy... And though I know better, sometimes it feels like God has just left me here to my own devices, waiting. Not a good place. So be gentle on me my friends as you reply. I am just a woman bearing her tormented heart. Never claimed to be perfectly in His will... But always said i would be transparent and honest on here. So here I am.... Waiting.

Co

A poem in process

Heal my heart Lord
Rise up in me
Stitch it back up
Do surgery

What he did to my heart, Lord please, undo
Its shattered and desperate, to name just a few

Heal my heart Lord
Rise up in me
Stitch it back up
Do surgery

My heads bowed in shame
Weighed down by the guilt
Feeling unloved in the "game"
Once blooming, now wilt

Heal my heart Lord
Rise up in me
Stitch it back up
Do surgery

My eyes You will lift
My head You will raise
The pain that You sift
Sort out and find praise

Heal my heart Lord
Rise up in me
Stitch it back up
Do surgery

Never let me again
Buckle under to men
Refine my coal
Purging my soul
Of those tapes that still play
In my head, in the way

Heal my heart Lord
Rise up in me
Stitch it back up
Do surgery

Blissfull Words of Wisdom

"BURDENS~ I compare the troubles which we have to undergo in the course of a year to a great bundle of sticks, far too large for us to lift. But God does not require us to carry the whole at once. He mercifully unties the bundle, and gives us one stick, which we are to carry today, and then another, which we are to carry tomorrow, and so on. This we might easily manage, if we would only take the burden appointed each day; but we choose to increase our troubles by carrying yesterday's stick over again today, and by adding tomorrow's burden to our load, before we are required to bear it."~ John Newton

These words ring so true to me as to what I've been doing to myself, and as to how God's grace, love and mercy, wishes me to handle my worries, trials and circumstances that I have gone thru, am experiencing today, and what tomorrow may bring. The image of the bundled sticks, is such a great visual for me and of what I do... I may choose to re-carry some sticks, past troubles, guilt, unforgiveness, anger from things done to me, or I did to myself, in the past, or I choose to add some sticks to today's load by conjuring up future problems or scenarios in my head, that usually tend to be far worse than the actual outcome of the situation I'll be worrying about. Sometimes I choose to not pick up any sticks at all, and just sit there in my pile of sticks, with them painfully poking into me. Or my personal favorite, I choose to pick up the entire bundle of sticks all at once! Dwelling on the past, dreading today's load, and adding tons more to my arms, my
heart, by adding all of tomorrows sticks and imagining those "sticks" will be all dirtied and broken, like broken dreams of the past.
BUT FOR GOD... and this my friends, is the sentence that hit me the MOST... "God MERCIFULLY unties the bundle, and gives us first ONE stick, which we are to carry today, and then another, which we are to carry tomorrow, and so on."
Our Savoir, Our Redeemer, Jesus Christ, loves us so, He tenderly unties the tangled and frayed ropes we've wrapped around our lives, gently and methodically untangling and sorting out the broken, painfully sharp, sticks from the ones that, if planted and tended to, could re-root new life. And then He mercifully hands them to us, one at a time... And He will do this every single day for us. It's what I choose to carry or pick up, that is my responsibility.
Matthew 11:29-30 Take MY yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

Help me O Lord! One stick at a time Lord, one stick at a time.

Co

Just call me Hephzibah

Isa 62:4 No more will anyone call you Rejected, and your land will no more be called Ruined. You'll be called Hephzibah (My Delight), and your land Beulah (Married), Because GOD delights in you and your land will be like a wedding celebration.

I came across this scripture yesterday and once again was amazed and in awe of Gods attention to me... Just like He had it written there thousands of years ago, knowing one day liitle, insignificant, me was going to need to read these words. He knew that I was going to be struggling with these two issues... My home (my land) and wanting to be in a relationship again (married). He knew that I would be crying out to Him these last few weeks, or just sitting here, numb from the loneliness and rejection. And I realize, once again, that little, insignificant, me is not so "little and insignificant" AT ALL to GOD. Thank you Lord! Thank you so much for loving me... For always knowing just what I need to hear from You, exactly when I need to hear it. You are incredible and little ol' me.... Well to You, i'm pretty incredible too.

Love,
Co
Aka: Hephzipah
p.s. And maybe one day my name will be changed to Beulah.

Homesick

I miss my home so much right now. I'm HOMESICK. It's been 2 years since I moved out of my house, 2 years since I sold a lot of my stuff, packed up the memories and what I could fit into one room, and moved out to live in someone else's home. It's been very very difficult, very trying, and feeling so "displaced" to live in someone else's home. Surrounded by their life, their tastes, their collected moments. I have moved three times since leaving my home, and each place has come with it's blessings and it's trials. Trying to keep faith in my heart that God IS working behind the scenes to get me back into my home is THE most difficult thing to stay focused on, because waiting on the Lord to work everything to it's exact right point of entry into existence ALWAYS takes time. And we are so programmed for SPEED... NOT waiting. I just WANT to go home. I miss my kitchen, the way the sunlight came in the morning and caught the prism hanging in the window and made
rainbows dance all around. I miss my pink craft room. I miss sitting out in the back throwing the ball over and over for jazz and sitting out front waving at the neighbors that drove by. I miss my little nicknacks up on the green shelves above my wooden corner table and bench. Can you tell, I JUST MISS MY HOME. God teach me patience and trust in this time. Plus give me YOUR PEACE about my future, and the future
of my kids... That everything will go well for ALL of us.

Co

Today

Today is my jessica's 29th birthday. 29!! You know that ol' saying, "seems like only yesterday..." well, it doesn't. It feels like a lifetime ago that I gave birth to my daughter... Sometimes it seems like two lifetimes! Like a "different" life. And it was, a totally different life I lived back then. When I look back on some of the memories it makes me laugh out loud... Some make me cry... And some make me just sit in awesome wonder. When I think about all the amazing works of God's Hands... Giving birth, having a totally seperate individual human being come out of your body, is the MOST AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, WONDERFUL and sometimes painful, act that God created us to do. And then to entrust us to care for this little person, to teach them, train them, feed them, keep them safe and be responsible for their physical and emotional well-being for many years to come... That is one of the toughest things to do in this life, and one I'm sometimes not sure I did
so well... I mean I know I helped raise a daughter who is strong, confidant most of the time, definitly loving, most of the time, funny, smart, and I could go on and on.. But there are many times I know I screwed up. Times when I made her feel bad, times when I didn't put her first, so many times when I said the wrong thing, critisized her, yelled at her because I was mad at "him". Times I was so not the right "role-model" for her. Regretfully, you can't take any of those times back... I can only move forward. Sometimes I wonder why God entrusted us to raise kids when we are still "growing up" ourselves? When we arent even sure of ourselves, sometimes, and where we are going in life, and who we are in Christ at all. Now that she is an adult, with kids of her own, it is so hard to "right" any of the "wrongs" I did, I can only ask for forgivness I guess. And try to be there for her as she raises her own little individuals. And pray, I can do that. All in
all, so far, looking back, I feel in my heart that the good times, the times I was, and am, a good mom, far outweigh the bad. And seeing her raise her own kids, brings such joy to my heart. I pray God continues to teach me though and that I listen.
Lord help me to be a better mother, a better listener, a good encourager, the best example, I can be, always following after Your heart Jesus, to the best of my ability, showing the Love of Christ to my daughter and my family.
Happy Birthday Jessica! I hope you can forgive me for the times i have failed as a Mother, and i also hope and pray you will hold in your memories all the times when i didnt fail, more than the other times. I love you forever and always. Mom