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Friday, July 9, 2010
Waiting
I haven't blogged in days. Not in a good place with God right now. Not that I love Him any less, but just that I'm wondering why He is making me wait.... Why do I have to wait so long to feel a man love me again? Why do I have to wait to be happily in love? Why do I make such a big deal of it in my head anyway? Why? Why? Why do I yearn for this so much? To where it consumes me... I know in my head that a man doesn't define me. I believe in my head that God has that perfect man somewhere for me. I know He has my best interests at heart... But then my heart says "why not now, God?" I've prayed, I've grown closer to Him, I've been doing all I should be doing, I think. So where is he? Where is my lover? Then there has been the thoughts and feelings about the man in my past... (not my ex). Still those feelings that he is, was, the one for me. And then those thoughts consume me too.... Those thoughts i know i should not have... Like Paul said, "I wrestle with myself" why do I do this over and over? I am a soul in anguish.... Am I a woman who is being rebellious refusing to give up my feelings for him? Am I a such a wretch for wanting him still? Maybe I am. But he made me happy... And though I know better, sometimes it feels like God has just left me here to my own devices, waiting. Not a good place. So be gentle on me my friends as you reply. I am just a woman bearing her tormented heart. Never claimed to be perfectly in His will... But always said i would be transparent and honest on here. So here I am.... Waiting.
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As always, being your Mommy, I'd like to be able to "fix" life for you, my darling Daughter, make it less hurtful, and more hopeful. But, of course, that isn't a possibility. There are only two who can do that, one of them being God, and the other one is you. We are in control of our destiny by the way we respond to the circumstances we find ourselves in. And, those same circumstances are ones that God "allows" in our lives. We make choices, some for our good, and some for our detriment, but ALL to help us learn what, and how, to make choices the next time. This is not to tell you that you, in any way, have been right, or wrong, in the choices you have made. Only that you HAVE had a hand in the direction your life takes. God is NOT punishing you for poor decisions, or rewarding you for right ones. And He is not turning His back on your waiting for that "one and only, right guy" to come along. Just that the "all things" have not come together, yet. Your being ready for that "one and only, right guy", and his being ready for you. When "all things" have worked together, your waiting will be over. Until then, I can only say God loves you, and I love you, too, and THOSE THINGS will NEVER CHANGE! Like I said, too, I know I haven't "fixed" you, but I hope I have given you some HOPE. And, know that I wish I were with you to lend you my shoulder to cry on. I can hear the tears in your words. So, I'm crying along with you, sweetheart. And, praying.
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