Wherever I go, there He is

Today's word in "Jesus Calling" devotional says this:

Come to Me for understanding, since I know you far better than you know yourself. I comprehend you in all your complexity;  no detail of your life is hidden from Me. I view you through eyes of grace, so don't be afraid of My intimate awareness. Allow the light of my healing presence to shine into the deepest recesses of your being- cleansing, healing, refreshing and renewing. Trust Me enough to accept the full forgiveness that I offer you continually..... Forgiveness. This is the one I think I struggle with the most... Offering and ACCEPTING forgiveness, not only from me to others, but forgiving myself is what I really wrestle with. To comprehend that God, thru Christ, can see me as "clean" and blameless, is a concept that, very often, goes over my head. How? How could the God of the universe, not only accept a "wretch like me", but He actually pursues me... He loves me, He wants to commune with me, He dances over me! He only does that because Jesus took my sin, your sin, with Him to the cross. He became sin, so that Father God in heaven, who can NOT look upon sin, could now see us through the eyes of His Son. So my struggle is this, if God can forgive me, remove my sin as far as the east is from the west, how come I can't forgive myself? Why is it so hard for me to accept and forgive me? Sometimes, I feel so unworthy of full forgiveness. Especially when I, as Paul said, continue to "do the things I shouldn't". Past mistakes made, words I shouldn't have said,  people I've hurt, desires I've given in to, that have affected my life as it is today, and I believe has robbed me of God's blessings.

 I think what it all comes down to for me, this un-forgiveness for myself, is because the things I have done in the past, and some of the struggles I wrestle with still,  I just don't feel "lovable" or worthy of that forgiveness because I know me, and I know I'll slip again and fall into somewhere God doesn't want me to go... The truth is, we ALL fall short, always have, always will. If we didn't, we wouldn't need Jesus, right? But I just have to keep holding on... Drawing closer to Him, asking God to change my heart, to search me, to help me to forgive and accept forgiveness. I love psalm 139:7-12 that says: Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go to the heavens, you are there, if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me", even the darkness will not be dark to you, for the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You"  
 If God's spirit is with me, in me, no matter what or where I am, I need to remember that when I feel unworthy, when I hate myself or my actions, that He is still there, He is right here, inside my heart, willing to work within me.. I should have as much respect for myself as my Creator, my Lord, my Father in Heaven,  has for me.  

Hurt people, hurt people

Usually, in my opinion, people who are angry, bitter and mean, are usually that way because they're walking around, holding onto, a load of past hurts and pains. Some of us like to hold onto our hurts, disappointments and rejections. Sometimes, we cling to these things so much, they become like a familiar friend to us, and we look for them in everyone and everything, even when they're not there, we conjur them up. We look for people to let us down, lashing out at everything they say, and hearing everything that they say to us as a put down or an accusation. Hurt people hurt people.
 I know Jesus understood this. He understood that we'd hurt each other because we hurt. He tells us over and over, that He will never reject us, never forsake us and that there is now no condemnation for those that love The Lord. He tells us it's best to just let those old "friends" go... Lay them down... That only His love, His mercy, His grace, will allow us to lay down the past, and trust Him to create in us a new heart. Psalm 51:10 says, "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Isaiah 61:1 "the Spirit of The Lord has sent me to heal the broken hearted. To proclaim liberty to the captives and the opening of the prison to those who are bound." When we understand this, that our past hurts we cling to can make us lash out at people, that people who turn anger on us, are most likely coming from a place of hurt and pain, and we start letting Jesus heal us, mend our broken hearts, and start looking at people who are angry towards us, with compassion and tenderness, as Jesus does, we will be set free. We will find joy again, we will find love again. We will be able to live a joy filled abundant life, not a blame filled angry life. The truth is, the more difficult your situation, or the more difficult that person you're having to deal with is, the more opportunity there is for us to discover God's strength, His power, that dwells in us, thru His Spirit.
Trade anger for love, resentment for forgiveness, bitterness for joy, discouragement for hope. Through the only one that will never ever ever leave you or disappoint you... Jesus Christ. ❤️

New year, new mercies, new Glory

Today is New Year's Eve and I'm promising to make 2014 my "comeback" year! Coming back to Him, coming back to His ways, coming back to interceding on behalf of my family and friends. To take my rightful place as a daughter of the most high King, to take on the mantle of my mom in being a prayer warrior for our family. To take back ALL the enemy has tried to steal from out families. To claim ALL The Lord has promised to those that love Him. It's been right here all the time, He never removed it from me, He never took that power from me, I chose to put it down, succumbing to hopelessness, to fear... But NO MORE! Now I'm choosing to take my rightful place. Romans 8:12-17 says "We are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh, for if you live according to the flesh, you will die. But if you live a according to the Spirit, you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For as many are led by the Spirit of God, these are the sons, (daughters), of God. For you did not receive the Spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out "Abba Father". The Spirit Himself bears witness that we are children of God, and if we are His children, then heirs of God, joint-heirs with Jesus, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together."
In this new year, may we all take on the mantle, the Spirit of God, that is ours, as joint heirs, through the blood that was shed on the cross by our Lord. It is by His power and grace that we do this, not of our own strength. I can only do this, be a strong warrior for my family, fight the enemy that had come to steal and destroy my family, through Jesus. New year, new commitment, new mercies and renewed strength with And through Him. I'm ready! Happy New Year!!!

Things are Looking Up

In the past few days God has been speaking to me a lot, but with a common thread of just two words, "Look Up". For me, these two words have had much meaning to me lately. Coming out of a long bout of depression and a difficult living situation, things are looking up for me. It's been a difficult year and there were definately times when I felt like God had forgotten about me. I had definitely forgotten about myself, about who I AM in Christ. Once again I was in a pit of despair, once again I had allowed myself to go there, I was not looking up or looking to Him, at all. It was all about me... My troubles, my circumstances, my pain, me me me! I found myself saying to God, "Hey, what about ME? Did you forget about me? Why aren't you fixing things for me? Don't you see how much I am hurting?" I wasn't angry at Him, but I did doubt that I was worthy of His blessings, that somehow I had not prayed enough, not done enough for the kingdom, let Him down so much, that He was maybe just done with me. Because once again, I was at this bad place in my head, in my heart, and, really Co? How many times are you going to do this to yourself? How many times are you going to allow doubt, condemnation, rejection, fear and shame to take control of your mind? How many times will Jesus forgive me for "going there" again? I'm supposedly a "seasoned" Christian. I've seen His blessings poured out many times. I've come through many situations, many times over, and He always gets me through it, yet, here I am again, doubting, crying, giving up.  You'd think we'd get it by now, right? Thankfully God knew we'd do this, go "there" over and over, so we would never be holy enough, righteous enough, to be in his presence, so He sent His Son. He knew that when we focused on ourselves, our situation, our troubles, the world around us, only looking down, taking our eyes off of Him, would result in pain and torture for us. Which is why he tells us over and over to KEEP LOOKING UP... Keep our eyes on HIM. "Seek FIRST the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you."  Look up to your heavenly reward, eternity with Him. Keep your eyes on "the prize", which IS Jesus. It's only when I get out of myself, and look up to Him, that He pulls me up, out of the miry clay. It's only when I look up, that my ashes are turned to beauty, my sorrow to joy. And it's only when I stop looking up, that I get down, so deep that it looks hopeless. But it NEVER is! He NEVER forsakes me an you. Nothing NOTHING can take us out of His HANDS. Look up my friends, for it is only there, in His Presense we can survive.

Restoring

 Today I've decided to try and restore what has been taken away from me, what I have allowed to be taken, what I have "let" be taken from me... My joy. No matter how many times I go thru it, I always seem to allow the enemy to trigger my weakness over and over. But that is what Satan is all about, finding our weaknesses and exploiting them, using them, over and over again, to destroy us. and instead of getting angry at Satan, I get angry at God, well not angry, but I give up on Him, for not making things happen the way I want them to happen, and I fall away. How selfish, what a selfish woman am I! He is not about our comfort. He is about our character! And the things I wanted Him to make happen, were NOT about my character at all, at  least not the character God wants me to have, a woman after His heart.
So here I am again, humbling myself before the Throne, prostrate before His cross... Asking for forgiveness, asking for His cleansing, asking for His Will to be done, in me and on earth. Lord, restore my soul...restore my heart... restore my mind...restore my life... Thank you Jesus.
Psalm 119:33-40 Teach me oh Lord, the way if your statutes, and I shall keep it to the end. Give me understanding and I shall keep your law. Indeed, I shall observe it with my whole heart. Make me walk in the path of your commandments for I delight in it. Incline my heart to your testimonies and NOT to covetousness. Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, and revive me in Your way. Establish Your word to your servant, who is devoted to fearing You. Turn away my reproach, which I dread, for Your judgements are good. Behold I long for Your precepts; revive me in Your righteousness.

Short n Sweet

NOTE TO SELF- KEEP YOUR EYES FIXED ON HIM. All else will follow in His time.

Co

Climbing out

"There is nothing I can do to make Him love me more. Nothing that I do will make Him close the door." I cling to these words sung in one of my favorite songs. No matter how much I whine and complain.. No matter how often I crawl into my "hole", curling up in the fetal position, blankets over my head, in the darkness... Jesus will ALWAYS be there with me. But just as He is always there, know that there is also an enemy here on this earth that is also searching and seeking to destroy you. Oh you can keep him at bay, you can fill your thoughts with the Word, and you should. But just as you get "comfortable", let your guard down even for a moment, he WILL take that opportunity to try to pull you down again. He remembers all your weaknesses and where you have stumbled in the past and Satan will use that against you. What never ceases to amaze me, confuse me, is how I fall for it over and over again. But I'm only human, right? And many times the enemy comes "dressed in sheeps clothing". He comes "masked" as something we think will make us happy. And I don't give him all the credit...Much of it is my own fault, cause I've been here before and I should know better. But as I try to draw closer to the Lord, I am realizing that sometimes God allows these dark times to continue because it isn't until we are totally broken and bruised that we finally surrender and that is when He can really show His splendor and grace. I don't like that part... But it's a true fact about us, we want run the show... Never wanting to surrender our will, we're so stupidly stubborn. The good news is, no, the GREAT news is, GOD IS ALWAYS right there waiting for us to accept His tender, merciful, life-giving love, His plan for us. So He waits patiently for us to "take the blankets off", to stand up and start climbing out of the pit. Today, I feel a little better than yesterday, a little more hope, a lot more faith, and I feel LOVED by HIM... which is what I crave most...Tomorrow Jesus will be there again, holding His hand out for me to take hold of, as I continue to climb.
Co

He's Faithful

Jesus is so tenderhearted and patient with me. I'm struck this morning with His never ending, everlasting love. No matter where I'm at in my head, my heart, He ALWAYS meets me there. Never pushing, never "beating" me up about my failings. Just quietly, gently, lovingly waiting. Waiting for me to start up the mountain with Him again. He holds me, tenderly rocking me, whispering His love song to me, like soft sweet mist falling on my face, slowly refreshing my thirst. He lifts me up and carries me when I can't walk another step. A constant in my life, when everything else around me is chaotic and changing, it's His love I can always rely on. He is Faithful, even when I'm not, even though i don't deserve it. Thank you Father, thank you so much. Today I'm standing up and putting one foot in front of the other. Tomorrow? well maybe I'll be back down on the ground, crawling... But its okay... You'll be right there beside me, FAITHFUL.

Co

Waiting

I haven't blogged in days. Not in a good place with God right now. Not that I love Him any less, but just that I'm wondering why He is making me wait.... Why do I have to wait so long to feel a man love me again? Why do I have to wait to be happily in love? Why do I make such a big deal of it in my head anyway? Why? Why? Why do I yearn for this so much? To where it consumes me... I know in my head that a man doesn't define me. I believe in my head that God has that perfect man somewhere for me. I know He has my best interests at heart... But then my heart says "why not now, God?" I've prayed, I've grown closer to Him, I've been doing all I should be doing, I think. So where is he? Where is my lover? Then there has been the thoughts and feelings about the man in my past... (not my ex). Still those feelings that he is, was, the one for me. And then those thoughts consume me too.... Those thoughts i know i should not have... Like Paul said, "I wrestle with myself" why do I do this over and over? I am a soul in anguish.... Am I a woman who is being rebellious refusing to give up my feelings for him? Am I a such a wretch for wanting him still? Maybe I am. But he made me happy... And though I know better, sometimes it feels like God has just left me here to my own devices, waiting. Not a good place. So be gentle on me my friends as you reply. I am just a woman bearing her tormented heart. Never claimed to be perfectly in His will... But always said i would be transparent and honest on here. So here I am.... Waiting.

Co

A poem in process

Heal my heart Lord
Rise up in me
Stitch it back up
Do surgery

What he did to my heart, Lord please, undo
Its shattered and desperate, to name just a few

Heal my heart Lord
Rise up in me
Stitch it back up
Do surgery

My heads bowed in shame
Weighed down by the guilt
Feeling unloved in the "game"
Once blooming, now wilt

Heal my heart Lord
Rise up in me
Stitch it back up
Do surgery

My eyes You will lift
My head You will raise
The pain that You sift
Sort out and find praise

Heal my heart Lord
Rise up in me
Stitch it back up
Do surgery

Never let me again
Buckle under to men
Refine my coal
Purging my soul
Of those tapes that still play
In my head, in the way

Heal my heart Lord
Rise up in me
Stitch it back up
Do surgery

Blissfull Words of Wisdom

"BURDENS~ I compare the troubles which we have to undergo in the course of a year to a great bundle of sticks, far too large for us to lift. But God does not require us to carry the whole at once. He mercifully unties the bundle, and gives us one stick, which we are to carry today, and then another, which we are to carry tomorrow, and so on. This we might easily manage, if we would only take the burden appointed each day; but we choose to increase our troubles by carrying yesterday's stick over again today, and by adding tomorrow's burden to our load, before we are required to bear it."~ John Newton

These words ring so true to me as to what I've been doing to myself, and as to how God's grace, love and mercy, wishes me to handle my worries, trials and circumstances that I have gone thru, am experiencing today, and what tomorrow may bring. The image of the bundled sticks, is such a great visual for me and of what I do... I may choose to re-carry some sticks, past troubles, guilt, unforgiveness, anger from things done to me, or I did to myself, in the past, or I choose to add some sticks to today's load by conjuring up future problems or scenarios in my head, that usually tend to be far worse than the actual outcome of the situation I'll be worrying about. Sometimes I choose to not pick up any sticks at all, and just sit there in my pile of sticks, with them painfully poking into me. Or my personal favorite, I choose to pick up the entire bundle of sticks all at once! Dwelling on the past, dreading today's load, and adding tons more to my arms, my
heart, by adding all of tomorrows sticks and imagining those "sticks" will be all dirtied and broken, like broken dreams of the past.
BUT FOR GOD... and this my friends, is the sentence that hit me the MOST... "God MERCIFULLY unties the bundle, and gives us first ONE stick, which we are to carry today, and then another, which we are to carry tomorrow, and so on."
Our Savoir, Our Redeemer, Jesus Christ, loves us so, He tenderly unties the tangled and frayed ropes we've wrapped around our lives, gently and methodically untangling and sorting out the broken, painfully sharp, sticks from the ones that, if planted and tended to, could re-root new life. And then He mercifully hands them to us, one at a time... And He will do this every single day for us. It's what I choose to carry or pick up, that is my responsibility.
Matthew 11:29-30 Take MY yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

Help me O Lord! One stick at a time Lord, one stick at a time.

Co

Just call me Hephzibah

Isa 62:4 No more will anyone call you Rejected, and your land will no more be called Ruined. You'll be called Hephzibah (My Delight), and your land Beulah (Married), Because GOD delights in you and your land will be like a wedding celebration.

I came across this scripture yesterday and once again was amazed and in awe of Gods attention to me... Just like He had it written there thousands of years ago, knowing one day liitle, insignificant, me was going to need to read these words. He knew that I was going to be struggling with these two issues... My home (my land) and wanting to be in a relationship again (married). He knew that I would be crying out to Him these last few weeks, or just sitting here, numb from the loneliness and rejection. And I realize, once again, that little, insignificant, me is not so "little and insignificant" AT ALL to GOD. Thank you Lord! Thank you so much for loving me... For always knowing just what I need to hear from You, exactly when I need to hear it. You are incredible and little ol' me.... Well to You, i'm pretty incredible too.

Love,
Co
Aka: Hephzipah
p.s. And maybe one day my name will be changed to Beulah.

Homesick

I miss my home so much right now. I'm HOMESICK. It's been 2 years since I moved out of my house, 2 years since I sold a lot of my stuff, packed up the memories and what I could fit into one room, and moved out to live in someone else's home. It's been very very difficult, very trying, and feeling so "displaced" to live in someone else's home. Surrounded by their life, their tastes, their collected moments. I have moved three times since leaving my home, and each place has come with it's blessings and it's trials. Trying to keep faith in my heart that God IS working behind the scenes to get me back into my home is THE most difficult thing to stay focused on, because waiting on the Lord to work everything to it's exact right point of entry into existence ALWAYS takes time. And we are so programmed for SPEED... NOT waiting. I just WANT to go home. I miss my kitchen, the way the sunlight came in the morning and caught the prism hanging in the window and made
rainbows dance all around. I miss my pink craft room. I miss sitting out in the back throwing the ball over and over for jazz and sitting out front waving at the neighbors that drove by. I miss my little nicknacks up on the green shelves above my wooden corner table and bench. Can you tell, I JUST MISS MY HOME. God teach me patience and trust in this time. Plus give me YOUR PEACE about my future, and the future
of my kids... That everything will go well for ALL of us.

Co

Today

Today is my jessica's 29th birthday. 29!! You know that ol' saying, "seems like only yesterday..." well, it doesn't. It feels like a lifetime ago that I gave birth to my daughter... Sometimes it seems like two lifetimes! Like a "different" life. And it was, a totally different life I lived back then. When I look back on some of the memories it makes me laugh out loud... Some make me cry... And some make me just sit in awesome wonder. When I think about all the amazing works of God's Hands... Giving birth, having a totally seperate individual human being come out of your body, is the MOST AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, WONDERFUL and sometimes painful, act that God created us to do. And then to entrust us to care for this little person, to teach them, train them, feed them, keep them safe and be responsible for their physical and emotional well-being for many years to come... That is one of the toughest things to do in this life, and one I'm sometimes not sure I did
so well... I mean I know I helped raise a daughter who is strong, confidant most of the time, definitly loving, most of the time, funny, smart, and I could go on and on.. But there are many times I know I screwed up. Times when I made her feel bad, times when I didn't put her first, so many times when I said the wrong thing, critisized her, yelled at her because I was mad at "him". Times I was so not the right "role-model" for her. Regretfully, you can't take any of those times back... I can only move forward. Sometimes I wonder why God entrusted us to raise kids when we are still "growing up" ourselves? When we arent even sure of ourselves, sometimes, and where we are going in life, and who we are in Christ at all. Now that she is an adult, with kids of her own, it is so hard to "right" any of the "wrongs" I did, I can only ask for forgivness I guess. And try to be there for her as she raises her own little individuals. And pray, I can do that. All in
all, so far, looking back, I feel in my heart that the good times, the times I was, and am, a good mom, far outweigh the bad. And seeing her raise her own kids, brings such joy to my heart. I pray God continues to teach me though and that I listen.
Lord help me to be a better mother, a better listener, a good encourager, the best example, I can be, always following after Your heart Jesus, to the best of my ability, showing the Love of Christ to my daughter and my family.
Happy Birthday Jessica! I hope you can forgive me for the times i have failed as a Mother, and i also hope and pray you will hold in your memories all the times when i didnt fail, more than the other times. I love you forever and always. Mom

Willingness

"A muscian is not recommended for playing long, but for playing well; it is obeying God willingly that is accepted; the Lord hates that which is forced, it is rather a tax than an offering. Cain served God grudgingly; he brought his sacrifice not his heart. Good duties must not be beaten out of us, as the waters came out the rock when Moses smote it with his rod; but must freely drop from us, as myrrh from the tree, honey from the comb. If a willing mind be wanting, there wants that flower which should perfume our obediance, and make it a sweet smelling savor unto God." ~T Watson
I read this today from this book I have, "Leaves of Gold". It got me thinking.. How much do I "force" myself to pray, or spend time reading the word out of "ritual" or habit, like my morning cup of coffee? How many times have I come to God in prayer as if it were a "magic" formula that if I do this, say these words, than God will do what I want Him too? I know there are many times I just pray, because that is what we do as Christians, we pray... Never thinking that it's how we come to Him, in what condition our heart is when we come to Him, that really matters. Some people pray, saying the same words over and over... Calling out His name with every other word that comes out of their mouth. Almost as a "robotic" prayer. Does God accept those prayers? I don't think He does... Because God knows our hearts always, He knows our deepest inward, and what we think are hidden, feelings and thoughts and actions. We can't fool Him into thinking we're holy, just
because we pray, or we go to church and worship. The bible says: Mat 15:8-9 "These people make a big show of saying the right thing, but their heart isn't in it. They act like they're worshiping me, but they don't mean it. They just use me as a cover for teaching whatever suits their fancy."
Psalm 51:16-17 says: "for You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it; You do not delight in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a BROKEN spirit, a broken and contrite heart- these oh God, You will not despise."
Coming to Him broken, powerless, weak to the point of total surrender, this is what God desires of us. And total REPENTANCE of our sins... Admitting to Him, and the one we sinned against, our sin... Asking for forgivness with a truly repentive, broken, heart. Then and only then will our prayers be as a sweet smelling aroma to Him. Dripping effortlessly from our broken, surrendered hearts. Not beaten out of us, not forced because we think that is what will get us blessings... But freely and utterly flowing from us because our desire is to bring that truly acceptable offering to Him. Maybe He wants us to search our hearts so deeply, so that we come face to face with our wicked hearts, those parts of us which we dont want to see or admit, and that which He already knows, not for His sake, but for ours.

Co

Timing is everything

So, I've been going thru some "things" in the past couple of weeks. Things that I want to have happen in my life so badly... I've been wrestling with God about these things for some time now. I get frustrated, angry, depressed, and apathetic when I don't see these "things", these desires, these dreams of mine, happening, coming to fruition.
I pray, I cry out to God, I pray some more... But sometimes I feel I get no answer. But really, I'm realizing that "no answer" is an answer... The answer is "not yet my daughter". He tells us that all things come in His timing, in His planning, His PERFECT planning. It's not that He's forgotten me at all... I need to remember that. It's just not the right time yet... He's still preparing the way for my desires to come about. If I try to rush these plans, like I've done in the past, I will not be truly happy. Only when I WAIT on the Lords timing, when He puts just the right man in my path, when He brings everything in order for me to be able to move back into my home... And when I get out of His way, moving out from in front of Him, to patiently waiting behind Him, while He clears the way, and fully trusting that He is doing what He promises He will do, only then will I see these "things" happen in my life. In HIS TIMING, not mine. He tells us so many
times in the bible to WAIT and TRUST. In today's world we aren't taught to wait for anything, everything is quicker, faster, better NOW. And thru much of my life experience, I also have had issues with TRUSTING. But I have to remember that trusting man and trusting God are different. Men are just that, human men. Full of flaws and failings. But God, oh He is full of unfailing promises and unending love. Lord teach me to wait with patient trust and perfect peace. Knowing that in Your TIMING Your plans for me will come to pass and knowing that those plans, that person, will all come in your perfect time, just in time.
Jerimiah 29:11

No matter where I go, there He is

Haven't blogged in a few days... My mind has just been all over the place. So I've been spending time trying to "re-focus". Funny how God works, cause Jesus Calling has been all about your thoughts and bringing them to Jesus, lately. Sometimes it just takes me more time... Re-doing the old "tapes", to get back in line with His Word, His thoughts. Today's a better day... His mercies are new each morning, thank God! A new day to start over, start fresh. I'm so grateful for that, His fresh grace, each morning because I tend to revert back to my old ways, my old patterns, over and over again. I'm thinking I'm not alone in this behavior though, right? Guess we won't get it perfect ever, but He's happy with me anyway... He loves me just as much even though I fail, it's just my happiness that is more complete when I turn to Him instead of trying to go it alone.
Jesus Calling is good today. Just what I need to hear. it says: The world is too much with you, My child. Your mind leaps from problem to problem to problem, tangling your thoughts in anxious knots. When you think like that, you leave Me out of your world-view and your mind becomes darkened. Though I yearn to help, I will not violate your freedom. I stand silently in the background of your mind waiting for you to remember that I am with you.
When you turn from your problems to My Presence, your load is immediatly lighter. Circumstances may not have changed, but WE carry your burdens together. Your compulsion to "fix" everything gives way to deep, satisfying connection with Me. Together we can handle whatever this day may bring. Isaiah 41:10, Zeph 3:17, Psa 34:19
Sometimes it's "spooky" how this little book is so in line with my thoughts, my concerns, it REALLY is Jesus Calling me! I love that about God though... He shows up in so many places for us... He's always right there... Right HERE. Thank you Jesus!  

Treasure seeking

I just finished writing a "thank you" card to my Great Aunt. It may be the last card I ever get to send her. Aunty Dory, Doris Anythe Peterson, (btw Anythe is my middle name), is ready to go "home" to be with Uncle Carl. She's tired, sick, and just wants to go. I can hear it in her voice when I talk to her. I understand her wanting to go... I will miss her so much. But what I am really convicted by, is all the years I didn't call her. All the times I didn't write her... All the wasted years not telling her how much I love her. It's not like I intentionally did it... I was busy raising my family, busy working, just busy. And it's not like she ever made me feel bad about not calling, not keeping in contact, nope, never once. But now that my children have their own families they're busy raising, and I am alone, I have called her more often. Not nearly as much as I should, but I have. And each time I did, that little 5-10 min conversation meant SO much to
her. She made me feel like the most special person on the planet for calling her, telling me I made her day, her week, her month even! And I would hang up and think... Why do I wait so long to call her? Why am I so selfish that I don't take 5 min to just call her and tell her I love her more often? It's such a simple little thing. Less time than it takes to catch up on Facebook, and so much more valuable, to me and her! She is my FAMILY! and when it's all said and done in your life, God and family are the ONLY things that matter. This LOVE is the only thing that can't be stolen from us. Even when they are gone from this earth, we still have their memories, their love in our hearts. Nothing or no one can take that away unless we let them. (Romans 8:35-39) The question is, how many memories are we going to have after they are gone? What kind of memories will they be? Will they be full of regret? Will they be full of guilt for all the times you just didn't
take the time to tell them you love them. Or all the times you didn't make time to see them? Or will they be full of beautiful little moments shared? I've found that the more I give out to, share with others, the more blessed I AM! even though they are the ones "recieving" I end up being the one blessed. Family is so IMPORTANT. Mothers, Fathers, Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins... And then your "extended" family... Those friends who have become family... All of them are the ones who truly matter in this life. You never know when they will be gone from here, or when you will... I am convicted by this... Making every moment here count by making every moment a chance to show and tell my family how much I love them. 1Cor 13:13 "And now abide in faith, hope, love, these three. But the greatest of these is LOVE."

Co

Someone give me the epidural!

Mic 4:10 Well, go ahead--twist and scream, Daughter Jerusalem. You are like a woman in childbirth. You'll soon be out of the city, on your way and camping in the open country. And then you'll arrive in Babylon. What you lost in Jerusalem will be found in Babylon. GOD will give you new life again. He'll redeem you from your enemies.

I came across this scripture this morning and said "yes! This is what I've been feeling." like I'm going thru childbirth. The pains, the tossing and turning at night trying to get comfortable. The worrying if everything will be okay with "the baby". The baby being in this case, my future, I guess. I've been twisting and screaming for days with God again. Feeling like I'm going to explode. Crying at the drop of a
hat, just like when I was pregnant. A bundle of emotions and doubts and fears and
glimpses of happiness. Curling up into the fetal position at night when trying to
sleep. Childbirth is not always fun... But the end result is the best thing EVER! So I wait patiently to give "birth" to whatever it is God is doing in me. Knowing the end result will be in His time, His plan and incredible!

Again with the thoughts!

I've come to realize that even one day of not spending time with God in my early mornings leads me to a bad place in my mind. After only a couple of days of taking time off from spending time in the word, praying to Jesus for wisdom, listening to what He has to say to me, then writing my thoughts down here, I find my mind just goes to this bad, lonely, pity-me, place. And that is where it has been for the past two days... "oh I'm so alone, oh I'll never have a man in my life again, oh I'm so unhappy with my weight, oh woe is me!!!" YUKE!! horrible nasty place to be. And SO easy to go to... And a place I've chosen to dwell many times before. But not anymore! I don't understand quite fully why my mind wins this war so often, so easily, I just know it does. And I am the only one who can do what's necessary to bring my thoughts back to Jesus. Well, He is the only one who can do that... But it is my choice to surrender to Him these thoughts, these worries,
the degrading tapes about myself that play in my head. He gives us free will... To choose HIM or not. And it seems like just when you think you're impervious to those thoughts, that you're prayed up enough that the enemy can't get in there... So you can take a "break" from shoring yourself up in the Word, that's exactly when the "enemy of your soul", Satan, gets you again. I'm realizing I can't take a break from God, I'm realizing frankly,why would I want to anyway? I need to keep the mind of Christ, to put Him first in my thoughts ALWAYS! And the more I draw near to Him the more peace I feel... But also, the more the enemy hates me... Because I have the Spirit of Jesus in me... Of course he's going to hate that... And the second I let down my diligence, my building up in Christ, my deepening knowledge of His Power in me, Satan will try to steal that joy... That's what he's all about. And Jesus is all about counting all our circumstances, good and bad,
all joy. For they are all times to lean on, press into, grower nearer to, be dependant on Him. To walk by Faith, not by sight or our wicked thoughts. But To know, truly know HIM and who we are in HIM. Have you ever used a lantern to light your path... You can only see the very next step in front of you. Maybe that is why Gods word says, "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." Knowing that we are only meant to see that which is right in front of us, trusting Him to lead and go before us... Thank you Lord for leading me AGAIN back to Your path... Back to You. Continue to teach me to stay right here, right now, mind fixed on you, trusting You to supply my eveything for now, and knowing You hold my all my tomorrows too. You've never left me in the past, why should I ever think you would forget me in the future? Praise His Name!

Co